just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
