i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
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