I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
