my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
