Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
