tell your sister to shave her snatch
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
