your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
