I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize