Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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