You just made me feel so damn special
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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