Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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