Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
