this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
