i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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