Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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