apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
