Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
