I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
