man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He passed out mid-signature
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
