This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
