"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
