I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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