member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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