I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
