my phone needs a breathalizer
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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