omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize