dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
