I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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