i need an iv and a liver transplant
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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