Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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