I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
40s are totally the cure
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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