I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
