Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
