Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
