Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
