before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
