I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize