Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
