All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
