i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
