He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
