On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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