god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
are you so shy because you have an std?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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