This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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