I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
