god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
