I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
