Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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