my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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