I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Someone stole a lamp last night.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
