So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
