Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you inspire me to be a worse person
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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