Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
