My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
