I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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