I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
