so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
two words: eviction party
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
