Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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