I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
