I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
