I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
