I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
