can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
