i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
