I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
