did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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